When I was 19 years old, I picked up a girl who was hitchhiking. We fell in love instantly. She appealed to me not only physically, but she was also the right one for me because, like me, she smoked and drank. After some time, she asked me if I wanted to smoke a “joint” with her. With her, I smoked my first hashish cigarette. At first, I was rather disappointed by the effect—I felt fear, insecurity, everyone seemed strange to me, and my sensory perceptions intensified. Nevertheless, from then on I smoked weed every day. How stupid I was! She supplied me with various drugs: hashish, opium... I took everything I could get. I became addicted and couldn’t do without it anymore. I smoked pure hashish or used a hookah, consumed LSD and opium. When I had no drugs, I was plagued by nightmares and sleepless nights, became aggressive and depressed. But instead of seeking help from doctors, I kept using drugs.


The LSD horror trip

One afternoon, I bought LSD from a drug dealer again. He warned me to take only a quarter because it was of good quality. I didn’t listen to him and took it all at once. At first, I felt nothing, but in the evening and during the night, a true horror trip began. I wouldn’t wish on anyone what I experienced during that LSD trip. I advise everyone against taking this devil’s stuff. It could happen that you never come back to yourself after such a horror trip and become mentally ill. This drug has an unpredictable effect with an incalculable outcome. It can lead to fatal misreactions that are no longer controllable.
Read this report carefully and let this example be a lesson to you.
At first, everything around me—the chairs and the kitchen table, the stove, the door, simply everything—came alive and started to move. Suddenly, my parents and siblings seemed strange and threatening to me; their faces changed and distorted monstrously. Everything in my perception was warped and bent, both small and large at the same time. Walls seemed like they were about to collapse, everything was shrouded in a white mist, and then the colors became more intense than ever before. (se below: galerie "Sichtfeld des LSD Berauschten"). I saw things that didn’t exist in reality. What I experienced was hell. This intoxication took me into a surreal world of experiences and fantasies, ruled by horror and destruction. It was terrible. During the course of the intoxication, I completely lost touch with reality and felt helplessly exposed. At times, I believed I possessed higher powers and didn’t know whether I was really myself, where I was, or whether I was awake or dreaming. This intoxication was not accompanied by pleasant changes in experience and perception, but by fear and persecution, despair and terror. I was unable to escape from this state. The power and force of the LSD forced my brain into anxiety reactions that my feelings and mind could not handle. I lost control and fell into a state of mental and nervous agitation. During this intoxication, I experienced almost only panic attacks. I entered another mysterious world and another time, from which I could only slowly free myself. I feared death, and it took months before I could return to my familiar surroundings and reality. I lived for a long time afterward in states of anxiety and believed I would never be normal again.
It was absolute horror! My advice to you: stay away from it!


on the needle 

After a breakup, I was once again searching for drugs and came into contact with heroin. After using it, I felt at one with myself for the first time — a good feeling! This time, I experienced indescribably beautiful hours that are hard to put into words. The fear had vanished; I felt free and carefree. That’s why I decided to use heroin more often. At first, I snorted it, but soon I was injecting the substance daily into my vein. I got used to heroin faster than to any other drug. I needed the shot and was constantly searching for the poison. I was unable to work because I had become too weak. All my thoughts and actions were focused solely on heroin and obtaining the money. I had to have heroin at any cost and did everything to get the money for a shot. Over time, I had to increase the dose to achieve the desired effect. The euphoric states diminished, and the high, “the flash,” was no longer as intense. I needed increasingly larger amounts of heroin to feel well.

There came a time when I was no longer seeking the high but merely wanted to avoid withdrawal symptoms and the pain. It was terrible when I was going through withdrawal. I experienced severe limb pain and muscle cramps, had to vomit, and suffered from diarrhea—or both at the same time. Half-dead, I wandered through the city. I couldn’t sleep anymore either. These states occurred repeatedly; then I would lie apathetic and depressed in bed and would have preferred to die.

Later, I dissolved the heroin in liquid Valium to intensify the high. It got to the point where I could no longer find veins in my arms, and other addicts had to inject me. My veins were sometimes festering, sometimes destroyed. So my legs, feet, neck, and even my temples had to be used. I was hooked on the needle for four years.