This incredible story took place in South Tyrol.

Link to the Rai-Interview:
https://www.rainews.it/tgr/tagesschau/audio/2020/12/tag-paola-unterthiner-gewalt-ehe-26-jahre-ausbruch-mm-moge-91220-petr-a0084278-d507-49e7-8a2e-e448f05a6eaf.html


Woman beaten and raped by husband for years.

Paola (54)

 

26 years of marriage were a terrible time.

 

Paola, a 54-year-old woman from Brixen, begins her story with her wedding. "I was 19 years old when I got married. I didn’t want to get married, but I was already three months pregnant with my first daughter." She says that she felt forced to marry, even though she didn’t love the father of her unborn child.

She says that even back then, this man was violent and drank a lot of alcohol. He was a man who got drunk, but not that much. At the end of the week, on Saturday once. Then time went on and he drank more and more. My fears were that when he came home, he would hit me. It was like that from the beginning. He punched me, kicked me. I was in pain everywhere and I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital or report it to the police. I was afraid of what would happen then.

Together with this man, she had a total of nine children. When I asked her if she had wanted that many children, she said that she was forced and that she hadn’t wished for that.

The children always witnessed the violence he inflicted on her. I heard my children screaming when he attacked me. He always beat me in front of my children, without any problems, without any reason. However, he was only violent towards his wife. No, he was never allowed to touch my children. Because I stood in front of my children. I protected my children a lot. Paola recounts several episodes in which her ex-husband threatened his own son, who was 10 at the time, with a knife. Paola stood in front of her son and said to his father: “First you hurt me, and then, if you still have enough strength, you can hurt your son.” The children witnessed their father's violence towards their mother for years. Paola says that her daughter still remembers that her mother had to put a glass of wine on the table for him every morning at breakfast, otherwise there would have been more beatings.

“I couldn’t talk to anyone, couldn’t go out for coffee, couldn’t have any friends—nothing at all. He isolated me, completely isolated. I was only with my children. I could laugh with my children, but I could never laugh with my ex. He never told me that he loved me or cared about me. […] I wasn’t even allowed to speak German. My mother tongue—the language of my mom and dad—was German, but I wasn’t allowed to speak German with my children. Only Italian. He forbade me from speaking German.” She deeply regrets that her children have difficulties with the German language because of this, which she believes is very important here in South Tyrol, especially when it comes to job opportunities.

Paola had no freedom; she never went anywhere. Because of this, her sense of direction is very uncertain today. With her new partner, she finally got to know a few places in South Tyrol after being, so to speak, trapped for many years. “Even when I went shopping, I always had to hurry because if I came back a minute late, it would start all over again.”

Her ex-husband was drunk and aggressive every day. She also talks about the nights when she had to get up early and cook for her husband and his friends. “In the morning, I had to get up and cook—everyone was drunk. If I didn’t get up, I would get beaten.”

Paola has a very strong faith, but her ex-husband forbade her from practicing it. “I wanted to hang a cross in my room. Now I have one, and it brings me joy. I was never allowed to do that before. […] I prayed silently. I wasn’t allowed to pray out loud. That gave me a lot of strength.”

He was violent even during the pregnancy. “I lost a child in the fourth month. I saw it. It was so big” (shows how big the child was). “I lost it at home. I would have had eleven children. I lost one in the second month as well. […] He beat me so badly, pushed me in the stomach.”

According to Paola, her ex-husband’s father was also a violent alcoholic who abused his wife in the same way. Paola’s ex-husband always said that he would become even worse than his father. “His dad taught him how to drink. He started at 12 years old.” Despite this, her mother-in-law was never on Paola’s side. When she visited the family, it was only to check the apartment and criticize Paola—not to see her grandchildren.

Paola could not expect support from her own family either. “No, I was completely alone, not even from my siblings, nobody at all. My father died when I was 22 years old, and I didn’t see much of my mother. We didn’t have a good relationship. What I missed from my mother was affection; she was never there when I was little. From a young age, I didn’t have a good life. I was looking for someone who could give me the affection I lacked. He was not the right man.

In the year 2000, after 19 years of marriage, Paola went to a lawyer for the first time because she had decided to separate from her husband. “I made that decision all by myself, without any help, without anything.” The court told her to give him another chance. She was persuaded to do so. “I thought maybe he would get scared, see that I was serious about taking action. But nothing happened. It didn’t work.”

Seven years later, in 2007, she sought a lawyer for the second time.
“I decided this on my own; I couldn’t manage anymore. Before, I endured it for my children, but then I said: ‘And what about me?’ I have to take care of myself too. In 2007, I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

At that time, Paola didn’t yet know how her children would react. Still, she made the decision alone to leave her husband. “I decided completely on my own to leave and did everything myself. Alone, without my children, without asking anyone, nothing.” At first, it was very difficult for the children; not all of them could accept her decision immediately.“I said that I didn’t want this anymore, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I had simply had enough.” When her husband received the lawyer’s letter, he spat in her face. But by then, she was no longer afraid; she was glad she had found the strength to separate.

Paola knew that there are women’s shelters and services to help women in violent situations. However, she did not want any help—not even from friends or acquaintances. “I managed it all alone. These are my children; I have to raise my children.” The children were mainly the reason she decided to separate. She also wanted to prevent her daughters and sons from following the same path as their father. The children always gave their mother a lot of strength, as did her faith in God. Religion was also one reason why Paola waited so long to get a divorce. “I didn’t know if it was right or wrong. But I said: ‘God forgive me.’ He sees how I suffer; I have to take this step now.” She is also proud that she endured that time of violence without drugs or medication.

She and her ex-husband also went twice to a family counseling center to talk about their troubled relationship. After the second time, he stopped going. “He said he wasn’t interested. But I kept going, to talk and everything. Then I didn’t need it anymore.”

When I asked Paola whether one gets used to the violence — whether, in that situation, one is even aware of how terrible the things are that one is experiencing — she said: “I think I was never allowed to say anything. Whenever I spoke, I always said the wrong thing. Whenever I did something, I did it wrong. So what do you do? You stay quiet and do what he says, what he wants. In that moment, you only think of the children. I’m doing this just for my children. Let’s try, let’s see. I could never talk to him — he was always right.” To this day, Paola is still accompanied by the fear of doing something wrong or saying the wrong thing.

Three years after the separation, Paola went to a lawyer again because she wanted to file for divorce. However, the lawyer told her that she could only do so if she wanted to remarry or if she was living with another man. She then turned to a different lawyer, who assured her that she could get divorced whenever she wanted. “I’ll do it right away,” she said. “Because I wanted to close everything. Not just a separation — separation still means you belong to the other person in some way. But when you divorce, then it’s all over.”

 

Until about three or four years ago, her ex-husband still wouldn't leave her alone. He stalked her, monitored her, and insulted her in public. The first time she reported him was after he insulted her while she was walking past the bar he was in. “The police told me: ‘You know what you should do? Just cross to the other side of the street.’” Paola couldn't understand that, but in order to be left in peace, she started crossing the street whenever she saw him — and did so for a year or two. Despite that, he didn’t stop stalking her or harassing her at work.“Then I filed a report, and after that, he was issued a restraining order. He wasn’t allowed to come to my apartment or near it. He had to leave me alone.”

Throughout all these years, no one ever did anything about the family’s situation. The teachers already knew — they knew about the problems and what was going on. They did nothing. “Maybe they were afraid. No one stepped in.” The people who were friends with Paola’s ex-husband were on his side. Even her mother-in-law, who witnessed much of the violence, never intervened. “She knew everything. I had black eyes too. Why don’t people react, even when they see me with black eyes? […] Or they just say, ‘Don’t do that again.’ Nothing more.” They never reported it anonymously to the police — never, never, never.
“No one, no one, no one. Maybe they were scared. I don’t even know why. People don’t get involved. They say it’s a private matter. But that’s not right.”

At the time of the interview, her ex-husband is dying as a result of his alcoholism. He has a good relationship with some of his children, with others less so. For Paola, the most important thing is that the children do not blame themselves for their father's condition. She is also praying for her ex-husband in this moment. Even though he caused her so much pain, she does not hate him.

To a woman who is experiencing something similar right now, she offers this advice:
“Poor woman, find the courage and leave. […] I stayed for a long time. 26 years is a lot. Sometimes I think: 26 lost years.”

 

Paola ends her story with gratitude that God gave her the strength to take this important step out of a long-term abusive relationship. “I took that step, and now I’m very happy — now I’m enjoying my life.”
2016 - interview and author: Nadia Genco